Dealing with opposite gender

Assalam alaikoum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuh,

If any of you caught a glimpse of my ‘Update’ post before it went to the trash , I mentioned that I was having ‘a writer’s block’. (I thought it would be too trivial to be telling others that my brain wasnt functioning lol!). Well, ‘writer’s block’ or not, I need to get something off my chest!

From my own personal observation and perspective, youth nowadays are generally more aware that free mixing is not permitted in Islam. We understand from the hadith that the third person is shaitan when man and woman who are not related to one another, are alone together. Al-hamdulillah, some have even vowed to abstain from Boy-Girl relationship until marriage and others draw a line, restricting themselves when interacting with the opposite gender.

Islamic Shari’ah has given us guidelines but the question is – where do we draw our own line? Do we draw it closest to the Shari’ah so as to be on the ‘safe side’ or that ours is a fine line between what’s permissible and haraam to the extent that at times, it becomes blurry?

People try to find loopholes within the Islamic law and make the forbidden look permissible. Nowadays, it’s ok to just be friends with the opposite gender. “We’re just friends , nothing will happen between us.” And then you’ll find that as both become closer to each other, feelings start to develop and.. you know what happens next.

It’s common as well that the Deen is used as an excuse to interact freely with the opposite gender. “Oh I’m chatting with him/her about Islam.. We know our limits. The brother/sister is pious anyway..” Oh please! How many per cent of the time does the topic revolve around Islam only? I wouldn’t bet on it being less than half of that time! And do you also think that if the brother/sister is truly pious, he/she at least try to shorten the conversation (if situation necessitates them to talk to each other) so that they wouldn’t be alone together?

It starts innocently at first.. like always

“Assalam alaik Akhi, Kaifa Hal..? ”

“Wa alaiki salam ya Ukhti Kareemah, ana bi khair. Anti?”

“Al-hamdulillah! Akhi, can I ask you a question about Islam?”

“Of course Ukhti Insha Allah”

And as the chatting progresses..

“Masha Allah Akhi, you’re brilliant! You must have read a lot of book about Islam!”

“Al-hamdulillah Ukhti hahaha, you’re too kind! I can pass some books to you. Do you want them?”

“Aww Akhi *shy face* you don’t have to hehehehe :)”

“Oh come on ukhti.. It’s my pleasure! Allah will reward me for this :)”

“Hehe Akhi, you’re a good brother you know that? Masha Allah!”

“Haha.. Ukhti, shall we meet up then? What’s your number..?”

*Cringes* Lol ok, that didn’t happen.. I just made it up, but you get my point 😛 Remember that shaitan beautifies falsehood and it may seem ‘perfectly acceptable’ to have conversation/be alone with the opposite gender but the truth is, shaitan is there to mislead you into thinking so.

Anyway, I want to rant further but I found an article that discusses this as well. Iit’s light-hearted as compared to my post. (and let’s just be honest with each other, you’d rather read this lol).

A Muslim Girl’s Guide For Dealing With Guys

(From one Sister To Another)

Life is full of crazy obstacles, but the one that will probably bug you the most and always be getting in the way is the opposite gender. Here, from one sister to another, is a Muslim girl’s guide for how to deal with guys.

No Touching! Muslims are forbidden to touch any non-Mahram (Mahram is your dad, brothers, father-in-law, husbands, grandfathers, and the siblings of your parents) person of the opposite gender. That means no patting on the back, no hand shaking, no pushing, no shoving, no holding hands, and obviously no kissing and all that. If you’re in a difficult situation where you think someone will try to shake your hand, the best thing to do is just smile and say, “My people don’t shake hands” and then explain why. And why, is because we believe a woman’s touch is a privilege and she doesn’t just share it with anyone.

No Flirting! Not even with Muslims, not even in an Islamic school, especially not in a masjid! Flirting means that you’re saying or doing things on purpose that make the other person attracted to you. There’s no set criterion for what flirting is, but any girl knows what is and how to do it.

Muslim women are supposed to behave better than the average woman, who has to be beautiful for all the men around her all the time, who are trapped behind their looks and only judge themselves to be worthy if half the men they know are in love with them. A wise dude once said, “Don’t start the mower unless you intend to cut the grass”. If you don’t want a guy’s advances, then don’t do anything to earn them. There’s no point in throwing yourself all over guys and trying to seduce half the world. You really only want to marry one guy, and you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and chances are he isn’t going to be some dork you fluttered your eyelashes at in high school.

No Boyfriends! As a Muslim, you know that having a boyfriend is haraam because it counts as Zina – fornication. Fornication, in easy English, means ‘sexual sin’. Allah expressly forbids romantic or sexual relationships outside of marriage. When people go against that rule, then you get the typical western society where people play sexual merry-go-round with each other, giving each other STDs, using and abusing each other, and destroying the sacredness of marriage as an institution. You can’t even be sort of engaged to a guy, and then “date” to get to know each other. In Islam, non-Mahram men and women aren’t allowed to be alone together (that includes talking on the phone!), to touch (not even shake hands), or even gaze at each other. It doesn’t matter if the guy you like is Muslim, a great guy and the Prince of England, you can’t date him.

No Boy—friends! The easiest way to ensure that you don’t end up falling in love with some guy before you’re ready to get married is to avoid making friends with boys. Of course in school you have to interact with boys all over the place, but that doesn’t mean you should be best buds with them. Probably 90% of relationships begin from friendships. Chances are you’re not ready for marriage, your parents aren’t ready to let you get married, you’re still in school and your crush is not the sort of fellow you want to spend the rest of your life with, so just avoid being friends with him in the first place. It really is the best formula for saving yourself from needless temptation.

When you have to talk to boys in school as teammates, lab partners, group members, and peers, it’s best to maintain a distance. That means that you don’t confide in them, you don’t let down your guard, you don’t unnecessarily engage them in needless conversation, don’t joke around, and never flirt. Yeah it may be a little hard, but this is your afterlife we’re talking about. So many great sisters have put themselves in really sticky situations because they allowed a boy to get to know them, and either ended up liking the boy, or having the boy like them. once that happens you either end up becoming a pair (which is HARAAM!), or having to end your friendship. Instead of letting it get to that point, and then having to kill a friendship that you probably worked hard on cultivating, you should just stop it before it begins. There are plenty of great girls all around who can be your friends and if you really think only a guy will understand your problem, then talk to your REAL brother, or your father, or an uncle.

No Talking on the Phone with Boys! In Islam its forbidden for non-related guys and girls to be alone together because there is the chance for physical zina, vocal zina, and zina of the eyes. That means, with no one there to watch you guys except that boogery shaitaan, then you might be tempted to actually DO something, or say gross things, or just stare at each other all lustily. With that in mind, it’s also a safe bet to assume that talking on the phone with non-Mahram guys is a no-no too. Why? Because unless you’ve both got it on speaker-phone and you’re chaperoned by a responsible person, then you’re still kind of “alone” with him. The people in your house can’t hear what he’s saying to you, and his family can’t hear what you’re saying to him. There’s a chance for some bad stuff then, so just avoid it. Not to mention, having some dude saying things into your ear that no one else can hear would be gross in real life, why is it okay for him to talk into your ear via the telephone? For the most part it’s just too intimate.

Be Disaffected! What does that mean? Disaffected means un-affect-able. That means that nothing a dude can say can hit your nerves, make you blush, or get a reaction out of you. It also means that you are uninterested in what they do as well. Imagine yourself being in an airplane looking down on the scenery below. You’re a little interested in what’s going on down there, and it may look really nice, but you know that to get to the scenery you have to jump off the plane. Like the scenery miles below you, the guy may look really nice, but you know that to get him you have to jump off the plane …errr…commit spiritual suicide, and though the fall may be fun, you will eventually hit the ground 600 meters below and go -splat– on Judgment Day. Maybe even sooner.

Short of becoming an ice-princess, being disaffected involves putting up a mental wall between you and all of male-kind. They don’t know your thoughts and you don’t care for theirs. You can interact with guys at school within the bounds of Islam, but always maintain a formal distance. Don’t ask a guy how his infected toe is doing. Don’t give him a hug when he looks down. Don’t offer to help him with his homework. Don’t go out of your way to remind him that you exist, and that you’re not half bad looking. Even if you don’t feel like behaving, make yourself behave anyway, your afterlife is important enough to discipline yourself for.

The safest philosophy when dealing with guys is remembering this “He’s not what I want, so why should I do anything to make him interested in me? That’ll just make for a painfully awkward situation and it’s not worth the sin anyhow.” Remember that you’re always being watched! Would you act all giggly and stupid with boys if the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) could see you? No, right? Because you’d feel like an ungrateful idiot for disregarding the religion that Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) took so much pain for just to deliver to you. Well, imagine how ungrateful it is to act like a supreme idiot when Allah can see you all the time, and it’s really stupid to disregard the religion that Allah prescribed, the favors He’s bestowed upon you. How dumb is it to take the eyes that Allah gave you and do things with them that He told you not to?(like goggle at boys?) How much stupider is it that He can see you doing this, and you know it!

You have no secrets! Not because Big Brother (whoever that is…) is watching you, but because every single thing you ever did will become public domain on the Day of Judgment, and you’ll be brought to trial to defend what you did. Just don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want your parents, your siblings, your teachers, your friends, and the whole world to know about, ok?

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13 thoughts on “Dealing with opposite gender

  1. Lol! Yeah, I saw it. I was gonna come comment after class and when I came here, poof! It was gone! That’s twice now your posts have disappeared while I came all prepared with my dazzling comments! 😛

    Anyways, about this post. I was actually thinking about making a post about this very topic and was mulling it over in my mind. Lol! Loved the little dialogue! It so happens like that you know? 😛

    “People try to find loopholes within the Islamic law and make the forbidden look permissible. Nowadays, it’s ok to just be friends with the opposite gender. “We’re just friends , nothing will happen between us.” And then you’ll find that as both become closer to each other, feelings start to develop and.. you know what happens next.”

    This is actually the majority of cases. The “just friends” line that is usually the first step leading to a whole lot of mess.

    I admit that there was a time that I also thought that Islam was too strict with the whole “non-mixing” thing, but quite recently, an incident happened to a friend of mine, which made me realize that everything in Islam, all the rules and regulations are actually in place for very wise reasons.

    Shaitan truly is the third person between a guy and a girl and even though you never intended it to happen, something ugly could happen which could lead to a whole lot of problems. Islam has all these rules in place because it’s actually what’s best for you.

    Lol, al-hamdulillahi I can safely say that since I’m such a wallflower, I don’t have a lot of contact with men! Which of course is putting a major crimp in my marriage plans!! I don’t know any potential grooms! O_O

    • Haha Sis, I’m quite fickle on whether something should be published or not 😛 Sorry about that!

      And yes you should write a post about it 🙂 It will never be over emphasized on how serious this is. Free-mixing has become so rampant that most of us don’t find it a problem any more. ‘ Haya’ is part of eemaan.. if we are freely interacting with the opposite gender – laughing and joking without any limits – where is the haya’ that Muslims should have? 😦

      Actually I was caught in this trap too 😦 A brother on my FB whom most people know him as being rather knowledgeable, started chatting with me, his reason that he wants to teach me something about Creed of Salafus as-Soleh. I thought, how lucky am I that this brother is helping me out considering how little my knowledge then (and still is unfortunately). Just like the conversation I made up, it started out innocently then we became too comfortable with each other.. and things started to get personal so I ended up deleting him from FB. So yes, I’m your breathing example of such cases 😛

      Shaitan truly is the third person between a guy and a girl and even though you never intended it to happen, something ugly could happen which could lead to a whole lot of problems. Islam has all these rules in place because it’s actually what’s best for you.

      He has said that “we may not like something but it is actually good for us..” and this actually applies perfectly. Like you said, rules and regulations are there for a wise reason. Allah knows His creations best when He set those rules..

      Haha sis, there are other avenues to find a husband, not necessary to have lots of contact with men! You can always put a word out that you intend to get married then you’ll find you have so many options (lol, like I have any experience eh!) Don’t worry, Allah has someone for each us, just put our trust in Him 🙂

    • Wa alaik salam wa Rahmatullaah Sis Syahirah 🙂 Al-hamdulillah if it has benefitted you..anything that is good comes from Him only and mistakes are mine alone! 🙂

  2. Ma’shallah, awesome post. I love the dialogue. IT is soooo real!! Hehe!

    I’ve said this before, but if we wear hijab ‘offline’ we have to wear it ‘online’, as well 🙂

    You know Xahu, I don’t know any potential grooms, either. And I think that’s what happens. A lot of girls start worrying about marriage, so they start ‘chatting’ with brothers, thinking “How else will I get married”.

    Anyways, great post, asha 🙂

    • Lol yea, that conversation was playing over and over in my head when I typed it out lol. Maybe that’s why it sounded real 😛

      You’re right sis! We have to maintain some form of modesty too behind virtual walls, doesn’t just apply to real life! But how many of us forget that even shaitan is there when we are alone ONLINE with the opposite gender. ‘Just’ chatting doesn’t mean nothing will happen!

      I used to think the same way sis Little Auntie! I thought to myself that since I can’t have that much interaction with brothers in real life, then online is one of the possible ways to find a good brother. How wrong I was! I don’t know brothers at this very moment, but I trust He has someone for me and all of us 🙂

  3. Assalaamu’alaikum wr sis Ummkhaleel, I stumbled upon this blog through my blogstats..

    Anyway, keep up the good entries. What’s been said here is true.

    Falling into Shaitan’s trap and transgressing the boundaries could happen to anyone no matter if that person is considered ‘pious’ or not. Once a person brings his/her guard down due to their nafs, anything could happen.

    Here’s a similar post about chatting with the opposite gender that I posted, just to share, rilekwancorner.blogspot.com/2009/05/harmless-chatting.html

    Anyway, I have an idea to write about something but I think it’ll carry more weight if it came from a Muslimah’s point of view, hurhur.

    It’s about the usage of facebook for Muslimahs. The pros and cons of having a facebook whereby a girl would add anyone who added them VS a healthier alternative by making the acct. an all girls acct for example.

    Or what factors or steps that one could take that would encourage a more fitna-free usage, whether the girl decides to have a mixed acct. or not.

    Maybe it’s something that the sisters here can write about and try to spread the message on FB among other muslimahs.

    Just a suggestion, no obligations..A short and simple treatise that brings home the message, with a hope to remind/wake up other sisters who may yet see the significance/importance of being too friendly to guys on FB.. Kher insha Allah.

    • Wa alaik salam wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuh Bro Redtide,

      JazakAllah khayr for that wonderful suggestion! I was in fact contemplating on writing about the Fitnas of Facebook but thought it would be too general. This is a better topic to focus on! And just like the issue of chatting freely with the opposite gender, this phenomenon on Facebook of being ‘too friendly’ has become rampant too.

      I will definitely give it some thought about this insha Allah. Sisters, if you are thinking about a topic to blog about – hey, you have one now!

  4. Pingback: Fitna-Facebook Free for Sisters – From my perspective « Fastabiqul Khairat

  5. Mashallah sister, I just committed a grave sin today concerning this topic. And I was feeling truly regretful about the whole situation, my mind kept trying to make me believe what I did was fine, but my heart felt heavy. And subhanallah after reading this, this post brought me to tears. And alhamdulilah now I have realized what I did was wrong, and inshallah I will change my ways and make them in the way of Allah.

    Jazakallahu Khairan

    • Assalam alaik wa Rahmatullaah wa Baraakatuh dear sis..

      Subhan’Allah sis… wa iyyaki! Al-Hamdulillah for you have benefited from it. To tell you the truth, this will always be a struggle for all of us especially myself too sis so you’re not alone in this.. We are living in this era whereby free-mixing is seen as something acceptable and not to do so would be seen as ‘backwards’. May Allah constantly strengthen us in our eemaan and protect us from the fahishah!

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