It has been almost two years since I left Australia and for most of my friends, they have already adapted to their new lifestyle. But for some reason, I still find myself struggling to move on. I’m in a different country physically but mentally and emotionally, I am stuck in Australia. There is probably never a day that goes by without thinking of being back with my closest friends who became like family to me.
I wrote about not being attached to the Dunya a few days ago.. and this was the first thought that came to my mind when I was reflecting on the story of Prophet Ibrahim (a.s). I’m the sort of person who selects her closest friends carefully. Only those who are within this circle have access to my deepest thoughts and fears, and have seen the ‘other side of me’. In return, I give them a piece of my heart – I think I am extremely loyal to these friends – and they can trust that I will always be there when they need me.
But you know what is the downside? I become too attached to them.. and that is my ultimate weakness. Being attached to people. Not only is it unhealthy to develop such close attachments to people, but ultimately, my attachment to Allah SWT weakens. I learnt the hard way that when your heart is filled with anything else other than Allah SWT, you will get hurt. And I got burnt real bad.
Back in Aust, I had a very close relationship with this sister. Since she is much older than me, she was my big sister there. I had someone to run to at the end of the day to confide my secrets and if needed, she would not shy away from advising me even when I didn’t like to hear it. I guess I spent so much time with her that when I had to move to a different country, I felt that instant loss. How could I not feel that way when my life practically revolved around her? All of a sudden, there was no safety net I could fall back on. Who was going to listen to my daily rant? Who will be there to set me straight when I needed it the most? Who will be there when I need help?
I left Aust all broken and frankly, quite depressed. I would wake up crying when I realised that she isn’t there. Reality hit me hard then. Our contact became very minimal because she was caught up with work and it was difficult to get hold of her. The sickening part is when I had to wait for reply because I would keep checking to see if I have any messages in my inbox. And that was enough to eat me up inside. I knew that if I needed to stop feeling that emptiness inside, I had to do my part to remove my attachments. I tried and al-Hamdulillah, I have stopped feeling so attached to her and people there. There are times, however, when I miss them terribly.
I think I am more careful with my interactions with people now. There were a few times where I let my emotions take control of me but now I remind myself of the past. The answer to my questions came later on after months of self-healing… that I confide only my secrets to Him and turn to Him for help. He will never leave us even for a second (but people have the tendency to walk away from you). Allah SWT loves when we talk to Him, and ask Him frequently so who else is better to talk to daily?
If you read this post right to the end, I’m sorry if you did not benefit anything from it. I just needed to write this to get it out of my chest. I also hope that it’ll be a reminder for all of you, as much as it is for myself.